From Emasculating to Embracing the Masculine

Just over a year ago, on Solstice, I found myself at a Peyote ceremony, sweating out what I needed to let go of and what no longer served. On this cold winter night the Abuela, or grandmother, had us sleep under the stars. We cuddled into blankets and each other for heat, our heads circled around the fire. The medicine worked its magic, connecting us with our essence and revealed life’s mysteries.

The next morning we shared our experience, 30 people in a circle. What I shared was not exactly what I was processing at the moment, because my realizations were too new to articulate in a good way. In that space, with that medicine, my heart was blasted open and I found appreciation for the men and women around me, saturated in our deep cosmic connection. It also revealed to me the contrast of how I usually felt, specifically about men.

What I like about the spirit of Peyote is its gentle nature and its matter of fact ability to show you what you need to see. It is the Father, straight to the point. He shows you what you need to see with no judgement. What I witnessed in myself was that I had a problem with men. I admittedly saw men as somewhat inferior. I had some level of indifference about them. There was a level of duality and separation between me and them, or us women, and them. Of course being in a mutually psychologically abusive relationship with my former partner and father of my kids did not help. Processing this relationship and figuring out my next move was my main question in this ceremony.

As it turned out, I did end up leaving, getting my own place, and now we co-parent as friends, but it did and did not exactly turn out that way without some intermittent drama. I’ll spare you the details, but I can say that I had a pattern of emasculating my partner, and perhaps if I hadn’t, our relationship would have survived. On the same token, he met my emasculating behavior with other unhealthy behavior that essentially supported the cycle. We co-created our relationship and reflected each other’s wounds. Some couples reflect unhealthy patterns for entire lifetimes. Sometimes people grow together, that is the ideal, but when they don’t, that is when change is inevitable.

The new moon solar eclipse this last December 4th had me reflecting on all of this, especially with my particular astrology being in the 7th house, the house of partnership and marriage. Being the new moon and eclipse in this wild galactic transition, I took the opportunity to shed my own psychological programming on this new moon a little more seriously.

For years I emasculated men, leaving trails of broken hearts. Not good karma by the way. As women in society at large, we are conditioned to do this. I grew up around it, as most women did. It has been passed on from generation to generation, in retaliation for centuries of oppression. Women have used emasculation as subtle combat, designed to diminish and disempower men. I was extremely gifted in this art. I was fully and mutually supported by all of my sisters who behaved in similar ways. I could castrate any man! The women around me would applaud and tell me I was strong. They would tell me I was a badass because I didn’t take shit from anybody! Oh my god, I feel slight shame here if not for the awareness that I’m finished with this behavior forever.

Emasculation is a trickster. It’s designed to be subtle but can also be blatant. It can deflate a thriving heart with one cutting word or one disappointed look. Examples are telling a man to do something instead of asking. It’s asking a man to help and then micromanaging how he is helping. It is offering unsolicited advice. The ways to emasculate are endless, and no way to treat any human being. It got very real for me with my own son. He is four. It occurred to me that he is a boy, not in the sense of a child, but in the sense of a masculine energy being. The biology of a masculine energy dominant being and a feminine energy dominant being is completely different. And my boy is very much a boy even though he wore mostly his sister’s dresses at ages two and three.

When I decided to stop emasculating men forever, of course I needed to include him. Because he is a child, it is easier in a sense because he is precious and good. As much as he challenges me, he does not have all the baggage of an adult. As a boy, he is on a mission. As a boy, his awareness is single focused. For a woman it is different because we have diffuse awareness, tracking everything around us. Men on the other hand are more single focused. Now instead of telling my son to do something, I share with him what I need. If that doesn’t work, I communicate to him how doing what I need will help me. He is all about helping. The nature of most boys and men, or any masculine energy dominant human is to be helpful. They just need to understand the why of the mission. My relating is not perfect by any means, but this stuff works and it gives me a ton of motivation when I witness the magic of the masculine unfold.

On this recent New Moon Solar Eclipse, I vowed three things. One was to let go of fighting. I don’t need to be right. The other person can be right, I can know my truth internally. It is not worth the stress of proving myself in any way. In fact, having to prove myself is in itself disempowering. I am good enough. I know my truth, if someone doesn’t align with it, that’s fine. If they continue to not align, let them go. If they are in my life indefinitely, let it go, because unless it is something of extreme value, a value, it’s usually trivial and completely not worth the energy.

The second thing I vowed is to let go of projection. How often in my life have I projected a reality onto someone else that was so far from the truth! Either elevating them to superhuman heights or projecting scenarios that made them out to be super low humans. Yikes! What a waste of energy and thought space! I give up all of that. People are people, they are generally well meaning and they are not perfect.

The last thing I vowed to let go of permanently, and doubly, because I already let it go once, but just to make it sink in on this new moon eclipse combo, and because it’s the most important, is the emasculation of men. In my community now, which is on the fringes of society, where everyone is a dancer, or an artist, and strives to do the work they have to do to evolve themselves, as painful as it is, I don’t really see emasculation happening, thankfully. Luckily the women I’ve talked to about this share a similar awareness because they used to do it too. But this community or tribe is still a minority. Our essence and our values haven’t saturated the entire planet yet. As for the rest of society, the vast majority of women, even really fucking cool women, are still engaging in emasculating behavior. I did it for years.

I can’t write all this without giving credit to author and speaker Allison Armstrong. She really breaks down the concept of emasculation, and has helped me and millions of women across the planet understand the nature of men more fully. I highly recommend reading and consuming what she has to offer. It will change your life and transform your relationships for the better, guaranteed.

As for myself now, one year post ceremony, after changing my circumstance and upgrading my understanding and awareness, I am pleased to report that I think men are awesome. They are strong, talented, and I am in love with their ability to focus their attention so completely. I’m solidifying my vow again, at this moment, to never emasculate men. Every time this is read this vow is solidified.

I take all of my energy back to me. It is liberating! So much energy that would be going into some subtle manipulation, unnecessary fighting, or convincing I am right, is now mine! Now I have infinite energy to create a new reality for myself and shift into a new paradigm of relating to men.

I’m not saying that I won’t fuck up because as embedded and multigenerational as these behaviors are, it won’t happen overnight. I also vow to have the awareness and to notice when I am engaging in emasculation. If I emasculate a man, even in a slight or subtle way, I will stop, recognize, apologize, and move on. There is no need to process it. We do not need to waste more energy here, we have already given it enough time. I would love for you to join me in ending the behavior of emasculation forever. We are creating a new Earth. Now we can choose another way. What behaviors are you willing to let go of?

Ho'oponopono ~I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I Thank you. I love you.~ Hawaiian prayer

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